Growing up is tough. The idea of being scared to truly live in the present is something I struggle with . It's not good, but it is the reality of my situation right now. This directly relates to the fear I have been dealing with lately of growing up, just knowing that I will never be a kid again and the simplicity of the flow of thoughts that used to fill my brain will never be the same again. I think I have been correlating this simplicity with happiness because I guess when you're young and everything is easier and your not overanalyzing every thought there isn't much to be afraid of you kind of just live and float from day to day. Fewer fears are populating your brain and more so hopes, hopes you get older, grow up, hit milestones. That's at least how my brain worked, and the best way to describe it is it ran smoothly, then I feel like not all at once but slowly it began to crash.
But this destruction felt like it was coming from discovery. I would fixate on something that my brain had never processed before and in turn, a new part of my brain would open allowing issues to flood in. This is how I would describe my growth, and I wouldn't say it was in the wrong direction because I would always gain some wisdom from it, it just took a while. It felt like to take one step forward it would take 10 steps back.
So I guess slowly the hopes and wishes I had shifted more towards fears. Now thoughts I have are more centered toward what the fuck am I going to do with my life, why I feel like everyone is progressing so much while I'm stagnent, where would I be right now if my brain never explored thoughts that feel like they've infected all my mental processes.
But when i dial in the drama i realize I would not be me without absolutely every part of me that comes together to create me which includes all the struggles. And, expanding my brain in any capacity is not something to direct anger toward because eventually, it does give me a better understanding of the world and people around me. From now on I will try to bring back what made my childhood simple back into my adult life, the idea of hope.
